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All headers, etc., are in Ch.1
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Chapter 5: Adjustment
William, his face smeared with mashed bananas, watches from his ringside seat as I move around the kitchen. I turn to smile at him and he smiles back. He looks so like Scully when he does that, it’s a good thing he can’t talk yet. If he asked me for something, I’d give it to him, without hesitation.
He offers me a fistful of banana, and I nibble on his fingers, which makes him shriek with glee. Who’d have thunk that Fox Mulder, Special Agent, would be a daddy, and would enjoy it this much? If only the old gang in VICAP could see me now.
In the few weeks since Scully and William arrived at this place, I’ve transformed from Bachelor Boy to Domestic God. Well, not entirely, but my life has made a 180 degree course change from its usual trajectory.
I’d like to say I couldn’t be happier, but there are plenty of things that still need to be resolved.
There’s the small matter of finding a way to destroy the super soldiers other than luring them into a quarry. I sense that it’s a gambit that won’t work very often.
I personally would like to know why it’s so important that either my son or I die. Call me touchy, but it’s definitely high on my list of Things to Know and Prevent.
And of course, there’s the virus, which no doubt has mutated again, the still impending threat of alien invasion, not knowing who to trust, and so on.
Same circus, different clowns.
All of these matters have a certain urgency to them, but I have other things on my mind tonight.
First and foremost, my mind is on Scully. I still can hardly believe that she and William are here with me, and safe.
x-x-x-x
The day they walked into Lodestone headquarters, bedraggled and exhausted both physically and emotionally, was the best day of my life, period. I’d been apart from them for so long, and though I kept my game face on for the boys, until they arrived, I feared I might never see them again.
Since that day, things have happened quickly. A little too quickly, and lately I’ve had a sense of time slipping away from me. We were barely reunited before we started sharing what we’d learned about the forces ranged against us, and planning how to deal with them.
It feels good to be with Scully again. I had been looking forward to the resumption of our working relationship just as much as our personal one. It’s not really the same, though. Something is missing from both, and I want that something back.
It’s not her fault, or mine. We’ve had a lot going on since then. Scully’s been working hard to get the lab up to her standards, and she’s had some catching up to do on what we know about the super soldiers and their genetic make-up.
And then, there’s the small matter of William. He’s not a demanding baby, but he can’t do anything for himself yet, and he needs constant care and attention. We seem to feed, burp, bathe, change, and put him down for a nap on about a four-hour cycle. It hasn’t left us much time for privacy.
And, I’m sad to say it, no time at all for intimacy.
Yes, Scully and I have been sharing a bed, but that’s about it. I end up doing a lot of my work in the evening after Scully has gotten home and can spend some time with William. Most nights, I’m still at the computer when Scully calls it a night. She’s asleep when I come to bed, and I hate to wake her when I know William will be needing her attention again before long. Sometimes we share a little cuddling, maybe a kiss or two, and it’s lights out. Not the way I envisioned things at all.
x-x-x-x
I grab a washcloth and start to wipe William down. He’s not crazy about this part of the routine, but he tolerates it most of the time. This afternoon he’s not feeling particularly cooperative. “C’mon, William,” I mutter, as he wriggles around in his high chair. He throws a gob of banana on the floor and I stoop to clean it up. I’m not usually that particular about a messy floor, but I don’t want to do a pratfall and end up in traction. William might find it funny, but it would wreck my plans for the evening.
I’ve been spending a lot of time with William. It just makes sense for me to stay home with him. Scully can’t do her lab work from here, and most of the work I do is computer research these days. The FBI auditor would be so proud of me.
I was pretty nervous about staying with William alone, I’ll admit, but we seemed to hit it off. I was afraid William would see me as an interloper, someone who was taking Scully’s attention away from him. He has no worries on that head. Scully is so attuned to him that she knows what he needs at the first whimper.
I don’t know that I’ll ever have that kind of connection with William. It’s something I’ll never tire of seeing between them, and I can’t help but be a bit envious of it.
It was very hard for Scully to leave William the first time she went to the lab. I know she was tempted to take William with her. I didn’t try to talk her out of it, at least not directly.
The first morning, we walked over with her to the main building and waited for the elevator together.
“You trust me with him, don’t you, Scully?” I asked her. I held William with one arm, and her with the other.
“Of course I do, Mulder,” she replied. “It’s just…”
I knew without her finishing the sentence. It’s just that she hadn’t had him out of her sight for the past several months. Even though she knew he was safe with me.
I saw that Scully was torn by the twin desires of mothering William, and stepping back into her professional life.
I finally got her to go by promising to bring him by midway through the morning. “You can come home for lunch, too,” I said. “You can take as long as you want, or not work at all if you don’t want to.”
She squared her shoulders. “I’ll be fine, Mulder. It’s just taking some adjusting.” She kissed William, then me, then William again. Then she got on the elevator.
“Okay, William,” I said. “Don’t make a liar out of me. Let’s show Mom how well the guys can do on their own.”
I’d been practicing the diaper-changing and bathing routines, with Scully’s hovering assistance, for the past week. I’ve done okay with both, for the most part.
Feeding is another matter. William is taking some solids now, and Scully has been starting to wean him. I don’t know if she ever had any trouble with him, but for William, meal time is a game, and one where his dad doesn’t know the rules. The first couple of times I wore more food than I got into William.
This is one of those times. William shrieks — he’s been doing that a lot lately, especially when my ear is in close range — and throws another handful of banana. He laughs.
“You’re not helping, buddy,” I tell him, and he shrieks gleefully again. It’s a good thing the Gunmen’s quarters are on the other side of the building. If we had neighbors, they’d probably be calling child protective services.
I give up, temporarily, to try and finish the food preparation. The casserole I’m making has to bake for a while. I’d planned it that way on purpose, the better to get William ready, and get myself cleaned up, before Scully arrives.
Tonight is Pamper Scully Night. William’s going to stay with the guys, and I’m planning a special dinner. I’ve got flowers, candles, music, chocolate, and a movie. It’s date night, the date we’ve never gone on.
I want this night to be about fun, and relaxation, and forgetting about the world outside. This is my way of saying, “time out.” I don’t want us to just get sucked into the next big crisis, or as Scully herself once said, become merely the subjects of an unending X-File. If we are to survive what’s to come, and protect William, we need this.
My theory is, once we get the personal stuff right, the professional stuff will fall into place, too. We’ve been dancing around each other since our reunion, and not in a good way.
We kind of got started off on the wrong foot, I guess. And for some reason, it’s been difficult to broach the subject. We talk about work. We talk about William, though not as in-depth about either as I think we should. We haven’t talked at all about ourselves and our feelings.
I’m not as uncertain about things as I once was. I’m pretty sure, strike that, I *know* that Scully loves me. But the personal side of things is not going as smoothly as I hoped they would once we were reunited.
I reflect that maybe part of that is my fault. Regardless of my confidence about Scully’s feelings for me, I have been a little reluctant to assume that everything’s fine between us, and that we can go back to the old status quo.
The thing is, there never really has been a status quo.
Someone once asked me if I had a significant other. I kind of stumbled over the answer. Scully is without question the most significant relationship I have in my life, but not in any conventional way.
It goes with the unconventional territory we cover. Every time I thought we might have a small respite, a stretch of time to relax and regroup, and maybe *talk* about where we were headed, something else happened. I’d say it was a conspiracy, but I think it’s just plain bad timing.
I had a lot of time to think about this while we were apart this time. When I was abducted, I didn’t even know Scully was pregnant. It was a huge shock to come back and find out that she was, and to know that I was the father. It took me a while to adjust to both ideas.
Now I’ve had so much time to think about it that I’ve passed beyond acceptance to self-doubt. Not that I’m ever very far from there, anyway. That’s a pattern in my relationship with Scully I’d like to change.
I think Scully is where I was when I was returned. Not sure of where she fits in, or if she made the right decision to leave DC. It’s my job to see that she does not regret her decision.
x-x-x-x
At last I’ve got the chicken browned and everything’s in the oven. I thought about doing something a little fancier than a chicken and rice casserole, but my cooking skills are decidedly rusty. And with the kid around, we’re lucky to get canned soup most nights.
“Da! Dow’! Dow’!” William is demanding. I lift him out of the high chair and let him crawl around the kitchen floor while I wipe out the dishes. He can’t get into the other rooms; thanks to the Gunmen, we have a baby gate for every door. William hasn’t figured out how to unlatch them yet. The Gunmen are proud that they can stay one step ahead of the kid, at least for now.
I lean against the kitchen counter and watch William as he unearths his favorite saucepan lid and bangs it on the floor. I go back to my chores to the percussive sounds of William the One Man Band.
I’ve been looking for it, but I haven’t seen any evidence yet of unusual behavior in William. In the journal Scully kept while we were apart, she seemed to be watching for signs. We’ve both been told at different times that he’s “special,” but no one has actually told us why or how.
William spooked Scully so badly not long after I left that she won’t allow a mobile over his crib. She’s very resistant to the idea that William is “different” in any way. I know she’d like to raise William as a normal child, and give him the kind of life she had. I think she realizes by now that this won’t be possible.
I wish I could give her that. I wish I could give her everything she deserves. I will at least give her what I can.
x-x-x-x
One of the things I resolved to do when I left DC, was to try and make sense of my abduction and where it figured into the big picture. I was driven away not so much out of fear for myself, but fear that not knowing what had happened to me would somehow bring harm to Scully and William. I can’t say I found all the answers I sought. As usual, I was left with more questions. But I discovered enough to allay any fear that I could become something that would turn on Scully and William.
It had been close; closer than I want to think about. Scully saved me from a fate that was literally worse than death.
I didn’t just discover things about myself on my travels, I discovered some things about Scully as well. When she went missing with William, I had an epiphany of sorts about her. I saw a side of her that I’d seldom thought about.
She’d dropped hints to me in the past, and I guess I’d filed them away in some dark recess of my brain. When I searched Scully’s apartment in Des Moines, all these hints from over the years coalesced the many disparate images I’d collected of Scully. I’d seen her as an agent, a doctor, a partner, friend, and finally, a lover. What I hadn’t seen or understood yet was Scully as a woman.
Yeah, sure, I *know* Scully’s a woman, but that’s never been the way I’d describe her first. Scully is — Scully. She’s an extraordinary human being. But beyond the Scully I know and love with all my heart, is the woman who longed for a child of her own. The woman who, even when driven away from her life, tried to keep some beauty around her, even if it was only pictures in magazines.
This is the part of Scully I dismissed in the past, that I didn’t even try to understand, because it didn’t fit in with my view of her. It couldn’t because the kind of normal life Scully talked about seemed to exclude me. Because of that, I think I was scared away. I rejected that part of her. Stupid, isn’t it? The man who’s faced down bioterrorists and survived an alien abduction is terrified of a five-foot- two female. Well, she *does* carry a gun.
Or maybe I’m just a commitment-phobe. That’s a phrase I’ve seen on the cover of women’s magazines now and then. You know, the ones that tell you if you’re single, female, and unattached, it’s just because you haven’t found Mr. Right, and by damn, we’re going to help you find him. And when you do, we’ll show you how to Bend Him to Your Will.
I’ve never seen Scully reading any of those magazines, but I’ve read some of them while standing in the checkout line at the supermarket. Gotta know what the opposition is planning, after all.
Except that I’ve never looked at Scully as the opposition, not in that way. She has opposed me as a scientist, sure. But I never felt that she was a predatory female. Believe me, I know the difference. Exhibit A, Phoebe Green; Exhibit B, Diana Fowley. Even though it took me a long time to realize it.
I’d have liked it if Scully at least occasionally showed some awareness of me as a man, but she never did. My reaction to being ignored was to tease her and pile on the innuendo, to touch her, tower over her, anything to elicit the response I hoped for. But nothing I ever did seemed to faze Scully in the least.
The truth is, Scully is just really good at hiding her feelings. In the field we’re in, she can’t afford any sign of weakness, or to give tit for tat and expect to be taken seriously. It’s only rarely that Scully has let me see her fun-loving side, the “girly” Scully. The “Dana” part of her, for want of a better term.
I treasure those glimpses of her: The Scully who enjoyed being shown how to swing a bat, even though I’m pretty sure she already knew how. The Scully who danced with me in Memphis. The one who giggled and waved a Bureau credit card at me as a come-on, one night in Hollywood.
I want to know all the Scullys there are, and the Danas, too. I realize that the woman who is all the things I know, and more besides, is just waiting for the right time and place to reveal herself.
I want that time and place to be tonight. Not that I kid myself that I’m going to sweep her off her feet and that everything we’ve been struggling with will suddenly become clear, and easy to say. But I’d like to open the door a little wider than it is right now.
I’m tired of being an absentee lover.
x-x-x-x
My kitchen duties done, I scoop William off the floor and take him into the bathroom. I’m especially proud of my bathing method. I strip both of us down, and we shower together. I’m not sure Scully would approve, but I’m very careful with him. I don’t find it nearly as much fun as showering with Scully would be, and it’s a bit more difficult logistically, but William seems to enjoy it. I’ve actually grown to like using baby shampoo. My hair has never been softer.
I wrap William in a towel and set him next to me on the bath mat as I quickly towel off. In a flash, he’s left the towel behind and rapidly crawls toward the bedroom. “Not so fast, Naked Boy,” I say, and grab him back, lifting him high. More shrieks of glee. I’m glad he finds his old man so funny. I wrap the towel around him again and plop him on the bed as I pull on some sweatpants.
It’s warm enough inside that I just put a diaper on him. I’d love to try and put him down for a nap, but I don’t think he’ll cooperate. Besides, Scully will be here any time now, and the Gunmen are due to come get William right after that. Instead, I warm William’s bottle and grab an iced tea for myself, and we settle on the sofa for a little quiet time.
I try not to obsess over tonight. I’m afraid if I pin too much on it, it will collapse under the weight of my expectations. After all, I’m springing this on Scully. Maybe I should have said something this morning.
I hate being so insecure. I so want this evening to be just right for her, and of course for me.
x-x-x-x
As I’ve said, Scully was pretty much exhausted the day she and William arrived at Lodestone. Not that I caught onto that all by myself, though I should have. I know how I felt when I was on my own. It had to have been that much harder for Scully. She had not only herself, but William to take care of. But I was so glad to see them, safe and whole, that I couldn’t see the obvious signs. In fact, the first afternoon, I was a little put out at Scully.
It was my fault, really. All I could think of was having some time alone with her, just to touch her, look at her, be with her. After we got William settled, I looked forward to a long afternoon of nothing but Scully.
We did share a few kisses, and nothing will ever be as sweet to me as feeling Scully in my arms after being so long apart. But as soon as we sat down and I had her cuddled against my side, she fell asleep.
I tried to ignore the blow to my ego, and just enjoyed the feeling of Scully’s warm body pressed up against me, and hearing her soft breathing. Didn’t I say that it would be enough just to be with her?
Okay, so I lied. I didn’t know how hard it would be to sit there and just watch her sleep. There was so much I wanted to hear from her, and to say to her.
After an hour or so, I picked her up and carried her to bed. That seemed to set a precedent that’s been hard to break.
Chapter 5b: Adjustment
I’m lying on the sofa and William is drowsing on my naked chest when I hear the beep and click of the electronic lock. “Hey buddy,” I murmur, “Mom’s home.”
William barely moves except to anchor his thumb more securely in his mouth. I decide to stay put. “Hey, Scully,” I say softly as she walks in the door.
She looks even better to me than she did the first day back. Her hair is longer, and she’s kept it the blond-ish color she’d let it go to while on the run. She doesn’t look nearly so tired, and the hunted look is gone from her eyes. I like to think that I have something to do with that. Well, me, and the sense of security this place gives her.
She smiles a bit as she catches sight of us lolling on the sofa. “Another busy day, I see,” she comments.
“You have no idea,” I tell her as she approaches. “Care to join us?”
She shakes her head. “I’d rather just look at you.”
Ooh, that’s a promising opening.
Scully kneels down and kisses William. “Hey, Sweetie,” she says.
William wriggles a little and raises his head, strings of drool cascading from his mouth.
“I think he drooled on you,” Scully remarks.
“Wouldn’t be the first time,” I reply. “Like mother, like son.”
“Very funny, Mulder,” she says, giving me a light smack on the arm that turns into a caress.
“Not in front of the child, Scully,” I say in mock protest. “How was your day at the office, Dear?”
She smiles again at my joking endearment and shakes her head. “No breakthroughs yet, Mulder. It’s a tedious process.”
I start to say that I wasn’t expecting any breakthroughs, but I don’t want to begin that discussion. Scully has very high expectations of herself, and while rationally she knows better, I think she starts each day with that hope.
Instead, I say, “We can talk about it later. Why don’t you go change, and we can relax a little.” I’d like to get up and take her in my arms right now, but I’m a little hampered by drowsy baby.
Scully nods and stands up, brushing her fingertips along my arm again before she goes. She’s been doing that more the last couple of days. I think it’s a hopeful sign.
By the time Scully’s done showering and changing, I’ve got William and myself dressed and the guys are on their way.
Scully notices William’s bag by the door right away. “Mulder, what’s going on?” She sounds a little fearful.
“It’s okay,” I say. “William’s going to stay with the guys tonight.” As I finish speaking, there’s a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
Scully takes William from me and for a moment I think she’s going to refuse. We look at each other over the top of William’s head and there’s another knock on the door. Scully nods the tiniest bit and kisses William’s forehead. For his part, he’s silent, his blue-gray eyes bright and watchful.
I open the door to the guys. I’ll never get used to seeing Byers in what passes for casual: a pressed Oxford cloth shirt and twill pants, finished with tasseled loafers. Give him a cardigan and he could almost be Mr. Rogers. “Good evening, Agent Scully, Mulder,” he says formally.
“Dana,” Scully reminds him gently. She steps back to allow the three to enter. William catches sight of Frohike and begins to bounce in Scully’s arms. I don’t know why, but Frohike appears to be William’s favorite.
“It’s okay, Scully,” I say. “I’ve already briefed them, they know exactly what to do.”
Another long moment of Scully looking at me, then she kisses William and hands him over to Frohike. I recognize the importance of the gesture. Scully trusts these guys.
But it doesn’t keep her from saying, “Do you know how to change him? Mulder, did you pack his favorite toy? Are there plenty of diapers?”
“Believe me, Dana, we’ve got it all covered,” Byers says, and Langly rolls his eyes. He picks up William’s bag. “Jeez, this weighs a ton!”
“You guys know the drill,” I say. “Don’t hesitate to call.” I’ve given them what amounts to a book of instructions, and one of them has spent time with me every day this week, learning how to change diapers and the like. They’re non- violent guys, but if I give them one more direction, I think they might revise their philosophy.
Frohike nods. “Don’t worry. Have a good time. Don’t do anything *I* wouldn’t do.”
I bite back a crushing reply and shut the door on them. When I turn, I see Scully watching me, her eyes darting from the door to me, then back again.
“You okay?” I ask softly. She nods, biting her lower lip.
I can’t resist any longer. I pull her into my arms. She’s tense against me but I can feel her begin to relax a little as I hold her. After a few long minutes, I feel her arms around my waist.
I stroke her back softly. She holds me a little tighter, and I let go to tip her face up to mine. “I’m sorry, I guess I should have told you,” I tell her. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
She shakes her head and I brush the hair away from her face, cradling it in my hands. We simply look at each other for a long minute until I give in to myself and lower my mouth to hers. I intend this to be a comfort kiss, a way to reassure Scully (and myself) that everything’s okay.
It’s Scully who makes it into something a little more intense. She parts her lips just a little and lets her tongue slide along my lower lip. This is one of her favorite moves, and it never fails to turn me on.
Before I know what’s hit me, we’re on the sofa, still locked in our kiss. I think dazedly of all the smartass comments I could make about Scully being a cheap date, but fortunately for me my mouth is otherwise occupied.
I have to admit that I hoped for this, but I didn’t expect it. Part of me is really, really glad about it, and is an eager participant. I let my hands roam over Scully’s body the way I’ve wanted to do for so long. She’s doing the same to me, and we barely pause to draw breath before we’re kissing again.
This isn’t the way I wanted it to be. I don’t want Scully to think I only set this evening up as a means to an end, as much as I’m enjoying it. I have to stop this before it gets out of hand. I reluctantly pull away from Scully, and take her hands in mine.
“Hey, Scully,” I say gently. “Slow down a little. The guys aren’t charging by the hour.”
To my surprise, Scully blushes and drops her hands. I immediately regret my words, even more so when she pushes up off the sofa and walks away.
“I thought that this was what you wanted,” Scully says.
“Huh?” I say stupidly.
“You went to a lot of trouble, Mulder,” she says, gesturing at the nicely set table, the flowers and the candles. “You didn’t really have to.”
Scully obviously has her own ideas about what I’m doing. Suddenly this evening isn’t about her any longer, it’s all about me. Again. Dammit.
It’s my turn to say something, but I’m having a little trouble regrouping here. Scully helps me out.
“Mulder…why are you doing this?”
As usual, the part of me to recover fastest is my smartass reflex. “Jeez, Scully,” I mutter, unable to help myself. “I just wanted to fix you dinner.”
Scully shakes her head, and I can see she’s not going to accept this. I see the barest hint of a smile. “I know you, Mulder. You have a larger agenda. Out with it.”
“Just what I said, Scully,” I say. “With everything that’s happened, we’ve never really … you know, gone out, had dinner, or anything.”
“We have dinner together all the time. We did before.” She’s standing, hands on her hips, in the same kind of argumentative pose I’ve seen so many times.
“Not just for the sake of going out,” I say. She’s going to make me say it. “You know, a date.”
“A date.” She says it flatly, and I can’t tell if she’s happy about it or not. “You want to go out on a date.”
“Yeah, remember those? I do, sort of. Maybe I’m not doing it right, though?”
“Well,” she says, “it’s customary to ask the person you want to date first. And you usually go *out* somewhere.”
Oh man, she’s mad at me. I may be spending the night at the Gunmen with William if I’m not careful. I open my mouth to apologize and Scully says, “I’m not mad, Mulder. I just didn’t expect this.”
Whew. I smile at her. “Well, I’m a little rusty at this, so bear with me, okay?” I dash into the kitchen and grab the wine and glasses. As an afterthought, I turn off the oven, too. Just in case.
I sit down next to her and pour the wine. We raise our glasses and touch them together. “To new beginnings,” I say.
Scully nods. “To our future,” she adds.
Our future. I do like the sound of that. I wonder if it’s too soon to give her the little speech I’ve been mulling over in my head.
Scully nudges me with her shoulder. “Where are you, Mulder?”
I turn to smile at her. “Just thinkin’.”
“Are you going to share?”
I clear my throat. It’s now or never. “Well, I was just wondering, if you could have everything the way you wanted, what would it be like?”
“What do you mean, Mulder?” Scully asks cautiously.
“Sky’s the limit, Scully. Where would you live, what would you be doing, who would –”
“Mulder.” She holds up her hand. “Is this what tonight’s really all about? Because I don’t think I want to play this game.”
“I’m not trying to upset you, Scully. A long time ago, you asked me if I’d ever wanted a normal life. Ever since then, I’ve wondered what that means to you.”
“Why, Mulder? So you can beat yourself up about how you’ve deprived me of what I most want? I’m not going there with you, so you can just drop it right now.”
“It’s not such an impossible dream, is it, Scully? Just tell me what you want. If I can give you even a piece of it, I will. I know I can’t give it all to you, much as I wish I could.”
“Mulder, please don’t. I’m not keeping a balance sheet, I never have. We have a partnership. We give and take, it’s what we do. Isn’t that what a partnership is all about? You don’t have to do anything.”
I nod at her. “Yes, I do. You’ve given up so much to be here with me. I want to give you something back. Whatever you want, Scully. Just tell me what it is.” It’s such a pitifully small something, I think. Let me do this for you. “If there’s something you want, even it seems trivial, could you let me know about it? Now more than ever, we need to take care of each other, and William, too. This is home, at least for now. We should do whatever we can to make it ours.”
Scully looks around the room. The layout is different but it bears an uncanny resemblance to my apartment, right down to the fish tank, thanks to the guys, who approximated my furnishings as closely as they could. I wish it looked more like Scully’s. Her place always looked more like home to me.
“We aren’t going to be here forever, are we?” she asks.
I shake my head. “I’m not even sure for how long, Scully. We’re safe, for now, but we’ll have to plan for the future.”
“I guess I don’t want to get too attached to `things’ again, Mulder,” she says. “I miss my apartment and the life I led, I won’t lie to you. But after you left, it seemed so hollow. William was the only thing that mattered to me. That, and finding a way for us to be together again.”
“That’s good to hear,” is all I can manage to say.
Scully sips her wine, not looking at me. She’s struggling with something, that much I can tell. She’s become totally serious. “What I want …” she starts, and her lips tremble a little. “Someone else asked me that, not so long ago.”
I want to ask who, but I keep my mouth shut for once. This isn’t easy for her, and I don’t want to distract her with an outburst.
“I said, I want what I should want at this time of my life.” She doesn’t elaborate. She doesn’t have to. “Please believe me when I tell you, Mulder, I have what I most want. I do. Maybe not in a way that most people would understand it, but I do.”
I wait.
“You’ve given me more than I ever dared hope for,” she continues. “You gave me hope when I had none left. You gave me your faith, your belief. You gave me courage and the strength to go on when I didn’t think I could do it alone. Most of all, you’ve given me a part of yourself. You gave me William.” The tears are streaking down her cheeks as she says this last part.
I risk reaching over to brush the tears away with my thumb, and cup her cheek. She leans into me and I continue to rub her cheek with my thumb lightly as she continues.
“What I’m trying to tell you, Mulder, is that the things I want are not set in stone, except for this: my idea of home is where you and William are. In a shack, in a tent, or in a cave, if it comes to that.”
I can’t help but smile a bit at the image of Scully in a cave, a la the Flintstones. “I hope it won’t, Scully. But even if our stay here is brief, I want you to have whatever you need. I just don’t want either of us to lose sight of what’s important. You’re important to me, Scully, you and William. More than finding answers, more than anything. You’re why I want to find the answers. Without you, there’s no reason to do any of this.” I shrug a little and look at her. “I wanted to make sure you know it, that’s all.”
Her eyes well up again. “Mulder…” It’s the same sweet tone she used when I gave her the doll, and I know I’ve said the right thing. She puts her hand over mine. “I do know it now, Mulder.”
She knows it *now*? I’ve been doing a piss-poor job of telling her how I feel, that’s pretty obvious.
She adds, “I just want you to know, I’m glad that you … want me. I was afraid maybe you didn’t any more.”
I’m dumbfounded at this. “How could you think that?”
She can hardly meet my eyes. “Well… you stay up all hours, you never come to bed until after I’m asleep…”
I can hardly believe what I’m hearing, when I’ve spent so many nights beside her, wishing I dared wake her up…
“Scully, if it takes me the rest of my life to show you how much I want you, I’ll do it. I don’t want to leave you any room for doubt.” I smile at her and add with a dramatic sigh, “Maybe it would have been better if I’d just let you jump my bones and have done with it.”
Scully finally gives me a full-on smile in return. “And then have you complain that I’m just keeping you around for sex? Nothing doing, Mulder.”
Oh, this is nice. I think I missed this more than the sex. Well, almost as much, anyway.
“Well, I don’t want you to think I’m keeping you around just because you’re good in the lab,” I counter. “C’mere, Scully.”
She scoots over to me and I put my arm around her. “Don’t I get dinner first?” she says.
“It’ll keep,” I say, nuzzling her neck. “But this won’t.”
I pull her onto my lap, and set about showing her what I’ve been dreaming about since we’ve been apart. Her lips part under mine and there’s no doubt in my mind that the wanting and needing is mutual. I’m going to make damned sure that Scully knows it, too.
x-x-x-x
Scully’s still sleeping when I come back to the bedroom with breakfast. I’d like to say I know she got a good night’s sleep, but I’m prouder to say that she didn’t. Neither did I, but it’s all about quality, not quantity. And when we slept, we slept *good*.
I sit on the edge of the bed and watch her. I’m trying to let her wake up on her own but my inner gentleman is already losing the battle.
I reach out and touch her foot through the blankets. “Hey, Scully,” I whisper loudly. “You hungry?” She certainly should be; a midnight snack of strawberries and whipped cream doesn’t make much of a dinner.
“Mmmm,” she says, and opens her eyes. “Depends on what’s for breakfast.”
“All your favorites,” I say. “Bacon, eggs, and pancakes.”
“Those sound like your favorites, Mulder.” She sits up, pulling the blankets around her in an adorable display of modesty. I hand her my tee shirt to put on. She looks better in it than I do, anyway.
In the next minute I see her fully wake up and kick into Mommy Mode. “Where’s William? Is he home yet? How is he?”
“I just talked to Byers. He’s fine, eating his breakfast right now. They’ll bring him over in an hour. D’you want me to call and have them bring him back right now?”
Scully relaxes a little and shakes her head. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of him immediately when I woke up.”
“You did, Scully. And I’m pretty proud that I can make you stop thinking about him for just a few minutes now and then.” Scully rolls her eyes at me, but I think I see a hint of a smile, too.
If do anything for Scully that’s anywhere close to what she does for me, she’s lucky to remember her own name.
Besides, she’s not the only one who has a hard time not thinking of William. I called the guys late last night when I got up to get the strawberries. Langly wasn’t pleased, but Scully and I were reassured.
I’m already making plans for our next date night.
We sit side by side, eating our breakfast off of one plate. “How long has it been since we’ve taken any personal time, Mulder?” Scully asks, snatching the last slice of bacon.
I grab at it and manage to break it in two. “You mean, when we haven’t been recovering from some injury?”
“Exactly.” She runs her fingers through the syrup on the plate and I grab her hand to lick them off.
“Too long to think about. Years.” I can say exactly when I did, but it’s not a memory I want to bring up.
“I think we need to play hooky today, Mulder,” Scully says. “With William. I think we need to pack a picnic lunch, and go outside and enjoy the fresh air, and stop thinking about things, just for a while.”
Scully is finally telling me what she wants. I’m not surprised to realize I want it, too. A chance to be a family, at least for a little while.
“I’ve been thinking about what you said last night, Mulder, and I think you’re right.”
“I was? What time? Gotta make a note of that.”
Scully hits me lightly on my knee. “Be serious for just a minute, Mulder. When you said we need to take care of each other. You, and me, and William.” She rests her head on my shoulder. “We’re each other’s family now.”
I kiss the top of her head. “Yes we are, Scully. And we will take care of each other. No matter what.”
She looks up at me and her eyes are filled with trust and love. I see myself reflected back in them, and William, too.
I’m so grateful that we’re finally together. No matter what’s to come, we are stronger for it. Scully and me, facing the future side by side.
And William makes three.
“Come on, Scully,” I say, pulling her off the bed. “I think we might have time for a shower before the guys bring William back home.”
Scully raises her eyebrow. “Together, Mulder?”
“Of course, Scully. How else will we wash each other’s backs?”
She tries not to laugh at this, and fails.
Gotcha, Scully. Gotcha big time.
end.
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“Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” -Margaret Mead
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Author’s Notes and Acknowledgments:
Thanks to Circe Invidiosa for giving my stories such a beautiful home.
HUGE thanks to Mo for reading and encouragement when I was really floundering and doubting that I’d ever get this done. Thanks, Mo! Your encouragement was just what I needed. You claim you’re not a beta, but you do a great job! Big hugs to you!
Another big acknowledgment is to the creative team of the X-Files and TenThirteen, whose stories I’ve watched unfold for lo these nine years. Thanks to everyone, from the Head Honcho to the actors, writers, directors, techies, and all. I’m going to miss you!
You might call this “mytharc lite,” since I tried to integrate some of what’s gone on over the years into the story, but didn’t try to explain it all. Any and all errors or discrepancies are my own, no one to blame but me. I did do research, and got my mind around the super soldier idea to the best of my abilities. I left a lot of loose threads, but you know that the story doesn’t end at fade-out, right? There may be more to come…
I used most of the same websites I acknowledged in “Abandoned,” so I won’t repeat them here, but I used a couple of other sites I’d like to mention.
www.uhaul.com. I’m not kidding. There are links to some very interesting subjects. I used the Iowa link to find out more about the Manson Crater.
www.amtrak.com. I owe this story in some measure to a trip I made on Amtrak not long ago, so I want to acknowledge the inspiration, and of course use of their site to work out some timetables.
Just a plug for old train stations, and train travel in general. Many of the larger cities not only use their train stations for transportation hubs (which I hope MY city will do), many of them have been beautifully restored and are a treat to wander around in. Even if you’re not fleeing across country, train travel is the way to go. Just make sure you’ve got plenty of time.
Updated note: although Kimpa’s site is long gone, for a number of years she hosted my stories and made lovely illustrations for them. I will always be grateful to her.
Well! Not only the longest story, but the longest notes I’ve ever written. If you’ve gotten this far, thanks again for reading!