feedback: msnsc21[at]yahoo.com
February 8, 2003
Feedback: always welcome at above email addy
Distribution: Yes to Ephemeral, Gossamer, but if you haven't
archived my stories before, please drop me a line and let me
know, and leave headers, etc. attached. Thank you!
Spoilers: Beyond the Sea
Rating: PG
Classification: Vignette
Keywords: Post Episode
Summary: During a kidnapping case, Scully tries to come to terms
with her father's death.
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, they belong to Chris
Carter, TenThirteen, and Fox Broadcasting. I am using them only
for recreational purposes, I mean no infringement, I'm making no
money.
=====
Scully's Journey 6: Silver Tongued Devil
by ML
December 26, 1993
Mom and Daddy are coming to dinner tonight for the first time
since I've been partnered with Mulder. I've been home for dinner
a number of times, but it's really hard to get Daddy to go anywhere
since he's retired. He says he's traveled enough for a lifetime.
Mom just rolls her eyes; she wants to do some traveling now. She
says she's working on him, and if he won't go, she'll go without
him.
Somehow I doubt that. Mom has been looking forward to Ahab's
retirement for too long. I think it's more likely that he'll
get restless and change his mind. Old habits die hard. I told
Mom I give him a year at the outside, and then they'll get a
Winnebago and I'll never see them.
Mom just laughs and rolls her eyes again.
I am a little nervous about tonight. Daddy still hasn't quite
come to terms with me being in the FBI. He always asks
punctiliously how the job is, but only when prompted by Mom.
After making his initial objections and letting me know he
disapproved of my choice, he grudgingly acknowledged I had the
right to make it. He hasn't said much about it since.
I understand that part of it is protectiveness toward me. Part
of it is his personal disapproval of the FBI. When I began
teaching at Quantico, I think he was relieved. He most
emphatically did not like the idea of me getting a partner and
going out in the field. I wouldn't put it past him to have done
some checking up on Mulder when I was first partnered with him.
He certainly hasn't asked me much about him, though Mom always
asks, "How's your partner?" when we get together. I'm pretty
sure Ahab gets all his information from Mom. He's certainly not
getting it from me, though if he asked, I'd tell him what I could.
I almost invited Mulder over tonight, so that they could meet
him and see that he's a good man -- especially Ahab, who I know
still worries about my decision. And I will want them to meet
him, someday. Now probably isn't a good time, with the job and
the partnership so new. If Mulder started explaining about the
job and his beliefs, it might just make matters worse. I think
I need to let them get used to the idea of me as an FBI agent
first.
Melissa and I used to bait Ahab when we were younger. "What if I
became a..." and we'd name all sorts of non-traditional jobs.
Ahab always answered the same way, as did Mom: "As long as you
do a good job, and you're happy, then it doesn't matter what you
do."
I realize now that he was probably coached by Mom to say that,
knowing that forbidding a path makes it all the more attractive.
Unfortunately, from Ahab's point of view, it backfired.
I don't think it matters to Melissa one way or another. She's
always been one to speak her mind and do what she wants, and
approval or censure has never mattered to her one way or another.
Mulder's like that as well. Sometimes I wish I could be that way,
too. That I could just not care what others think.
Anyway, life goes on. I enjoy my job, and though it would be nice
to have Daddy's full approval and support, it's not essential.
He'll come around eventually when he sees how committed I am to
it, and that the work is just as important as being a doctor.
XxXxXx
December 27
Ahab's gone.
It happened very quickly, Mom said.
When she called me, I think I was dreaming about him. I woke up
and he was sitting in the chair opposite me, speaking to me. I
couldn't hear the words. Then the phone rang, and when I looked
again, he was gone.
Mom was on the other end of the phone, telling me what I never
wanted to hear.
I can't believe it. He just retired. Mom and I were teasing him
about buying a big motor home at dinner last night.
I went to Mom right away, of course. I spent the rest of the
night with her. Today we did all the calling and all the other
necessary arrangements.
The boys and Melissa won't be making it for the funeral. Mom says
Ahab didn't want anything elaborate anyway. We'll have some kind
of memorial service when the whole family can be together. She's
already made arrangements for cremation, and the ashes are to be
scattered in the bay, not far from the shipyards. I suggested
Arlington, and offered to make the calls, but Mom said Daddy
wouldn't want that.
"He was a man of simplicity," she said. "He just wanted to get
things done."
She's right. Her words remind me of the comment he made at dinner
last night about my Christmas tree and decorations still up the
day after Christmas. He'd always wanted everything down and back
to normal as soon as possible. Not that he didn't enjoy Christmas,
but there was a time for that, and then a time to get back to work.
I know what he means. I have three days of bereavement leave, and
more if I want it, but I want to get back to work. Getting back
to normal is what I need right now. It will help me more than
anything else.
That's tomorrow. I still have tonight to get through.
I can still hardly believe it. Yesterday, it seemed that we had
all the time in the world. Now I'll never know if he might one
day be not just reconciled to my career choice, but proud of me
for my accomplishments and for sticking to my decision. I looked
at last night's journal entry, and I was so flip about needing
Ahab's approval. Of course it was just as important yesterday,
but I was confident that eventually he'd come around. Now that
I'll never have the chance to earn it, I seem to need it more
than ever.
I realize that's not very rational. I'm operating on very little
sleep right now, and I tell myself that things will look different
in the morning.
I should be writing about my father, not about my own regrets.
"Water under the bridge, Starbuck."
Will I ever get over missing him? Will I ever stop thinking about
what he might say in a given situation? Will I always hear his
voice in my head, giving me advice, cautioning me?
Ahab was not a man to wear his heart on his sleeve or to lavish
praise on anyone. He had very high standards and I always strove
to meet them. His approval, more than Mom's, was what I worked
toward.
Was he trying to reach me last night before he died, or at the
moment of his death? That can't be possible. If I were a
psychologist, I'd probably know the clinical term for the
phenomenon. I could ask Mulder, he'd know.
I can never tell Mulder what I thought I saw. I just can't.
I can't keep dwelling on this. Nothing I can do or say will bring
Ahab back to say the words I want to hear, no matter what I
imagined last night.
XxXxXx
December 28
Raleigh, North Carolina
It's been a very long day, and it's not over yet.
Mulder was surprised to see me this morning; he wasn't expecting
me back in the office so soon. He offered me his sympathy, and in
fact was very tender and frankly sort of personal toward me. It
was weird. I don't recall that he's ever called me by my first
name before. Truth to tell, it kind of put my back up. I don't
want to be treated like a fragile flower, damn it. But when he
touch my cheek, and I saw such sympathy in his eyes, I couldn't
be mad at him.
He tried to talk me out of coming with him. I told him that I
needed to work. He seemed to understand that. I know he
understands loss.
Anyway, we're down here on a case, having to do with a man whom
Mulder helped put away. He claims psychic ability, which,
surprisingly, Mulder refutes.
The man's name is Luther Lee Boggs, and he's due to go to the
gas chamber in a week. I'm sure he'd say anything to keep that
from happening.
Somehow he claims knowledge of a recent kidnapping case. Mulder
is sure that there's an explanation for this, and not a
supernatural one.
It was fascinating to watch Mulder in action with Luther Boggs --
he was the consummate interrogator, unruffled, unrelenting. Boggs
put on quite a show for us -- switching voices and personas like
slipping in and out of a pair of shoes. I've never seen anything
like it. But Mulder was never fooled, not for a moment. I got
a glimpse of what he must have been like when he was with the BSU.
He tricked Luther into revealing that his so-called psychic ability
was bogus.
Of course, I didn't believe it either.
And then, as we were leaving the room, Boggs started to sing
"Beyond the Sea."
Startled, I turned back and saw my father's face, and heard his
voice saying tenderly, "Starbuck."
When I turned back again, it was Boggs' face once more. He asked,
"Did you get my message, Starbuck?"
I couldn't tell Mulder why I was so upset. He knew Boggs said
something. How could I explain to him what I couldn't quite
believe myself? I couldn't hide my agitation from him. All I
could say was, "It's my father," and I knew Mulder would assume
that I was upset for that reason alone. I let him assume.
I really believed that it was true. After all, I'd been thinking
about Ahab on the trip down. I was still mulling over what Mom
said at the services earlier.
My resolve broke at the ceremony, and I asked Mom if Ahab was at
all proud of me. She looked at me and said simply, "He was your
father."
That phrase could be interpreted in any number of ways. I'm not
sure which way Mom meant it.
Mulder suggested I go back to the hotel -- it was already pretty
late, but he decided to stick around and see if he couldn't get
more information out of Boggs.
I was glad of the excuse to leave. I wanted to be alone to try
and process what happened, to make sense of it if I could.
Then on the way to the hotel, I saw the landmarks that Boggs
mentioned. I did a stupid thing in investigating without backup,
and I deserve to be reprimanded for that. Now I know I was
already exhausted, and not thinking clearly, but that's no
excuse.
I waited until the cops came, and made my report to them. When
I heard Mulder was on his way, I came back to the hotel. I could
plead exhaustion, but the truth is I couldn't face seeing Mulder
at the crime scene. Not after what I did. He's going to be
terribly disappointed in me.
I haven't been completely honest. Not to Mulder, and not to
myself. I even withheld the truth on the police report.
No, I have to face it: I lied. As lies go, it's a minor one, but
it feels awful all the same. Ahab wouldn't have put up with it.
"A little lie just compounds itself, Starbuck," he'd say.
As much as I don't want to, I have to tell Mulder.
XxXxXx
Mulder is disappointed in me. I guess he's not as indiscriminate
in his beliefs as I thought. He says he believes in psychic
ability without a doubt, but not that Luther Boggs has it. And
it's true, Boggs really blew it in the interview. But then he
began singing that song. How did he know about it?
I've obviously hurt Mulder. He thinks once again that I couldn't
admit to my "hunch" because it was based on Boggs' information,
and it would make me look like I believed in his ability. Mulder
pointed out rather bitterly that it was expected of him, but not
of cool, logical Dr. Scully.
I'm not feeling very cool or logical. When Mulder knocked on the
door of my room, what I was doing defied all logic.
I was trying to reach my father. I was trying to be open to his
presence.
I've done a little reading on the subject and one theory is that
everyone has some psychic ability. Boggs may be playing us, but
there's something there. I can't quite believe I'm saying this,
but I feel it.
Mulder, on the other hand, is taking the opposite stance where
Boggs is concerned. He's always after me to be open to extreme
possibilities, and the one time I try, it's wrong. I find his
about-face unnerving and unfair.
Mulder says, "Be open to extreme possibilities, but only when
they're the truth." What the hell does he mean by that? Only
when he believes?
Or maybe, he's just testing my conviction.
Or, alternatively, maybe he's right and I should step away. Too
much has happened, and I'm too vulnerable right now, perhaps a
little *too* open.
He tried to make it easy for me. He asked me point blank if it
had to do with my father, and I still said no. He must suspect
that it has something to do with Boggs. He heard the song, and
saw my discomfiture. Of course he'd suspect, even if he won't
come right out and say it. Instead, he tried to get me to admit
it, that maybe I needed to step away.
No. I can do my job. I'm capable of being impartial. I won't
desert Mulder to deal with this by himself. I'll see it through.
I'm not a quitter.
XxXxXx
December 29
Luther Boggs has even more to answer for now. He almost cost me
my partner.
I'm sitting at the hospital, waiting for Mulder to get out of
surgery. It's been a couple of hours now. The shooter got an
artery in his upper thigh and he'd lost a lot of blood before
the ambulance got there.
Too many losses. I can't lose Mulder too.
We had another session with Boggs today, where he once again went
through the "channeling" routine. I'll say this for him, he's
consistent. He gave a vague description of the killer, and more
than hints about where we could find him.
It all happened so fast, but it seemed that what Boggs warned us
about came true. "We see your blood on the cross," he said to
Mulder. "Don't go near the white cross."
Just as before, the "cross" was more symbolic than actual. I
don't think I would have noticed it at all if not for Boggs'
warning. It was only after Mulder was shot that I saw it. There
was red paint spattered on it, which could very well look like
blood.
Once again, there can be two explanations for the warning Boggs
gave. The most plausible is that he has an outside accomplice in
this. He could very possibly have been to the docks where he sent
us, though how could he remember in such detail after a number of
years of incarceration?
And how could he know Mulder would be shot? Just a lucky guess?
He knew it was dangerous. Presumably he'd know if his accomplice
was armed, or he might assume he was armed.
I don't know. I don't know what to think. I need to argue this
out with Mulder.
He'd better not die. He can't die.
XxXxXx
The doctor came out a moment ago to say they were done and Mulder
would be in recovery in a few minutes. Thank God for that. He's
still listed as critical, but at least he's stable and the prognosis
is good. I can see him in a few minutes for myself.
The Lieutenant called while Mulder was in surgery; he wants to see
me down at the station. I'll stop there to let him know how
Mulder's doing and then I'm going to see Boggs.
I'm going to find out what Luther Lee Boggs knows and how he knows
it, once and for all.
XxXxXx
I may have blown the one chance we had with Boggs, all due to my
own selfish wishes.
I was allowed to see Mulder for a few moments in Recovery before
I left the hospital. I've seen plenty of patients just out of
surgery; hell, I've seem plenty of dead bodies in various stages.
But seeing Mulder lying there, so very pale, affected me more than
anything I'd seen.
I understand why; this was Mulder, not some anonymous body or a
patient I had no personal acquaintance with. Knowing that doesn't
help. I wasn't prepared to see someone I know, someone I care
about, in such a state.
I'm not trying to excuse myself, but I was already pretty agitated
when I got to the station house and found out that Luther Boggs did
in fact have an accomplice toward the end of his spree. The
Lieutenant told me that they never had enough evidence to prove
it in court, but that they knew who it was. It was the man
Elizabeth Hawley ID'd, Lucas Jackson Henry.
So many thing became clear once I knew who he was, and his history.
It seemed plain to me at that point that Boggs set us up. That
this was his way of getting revenge on Mulder. He was a fake, I
was sure of it.
Armed with that information, I went to see Boggs. I let him have
it. I really lost it. I had intended to go in there very calmly
and lay out what I knew, to let him know that there was no chance
for him. Instead, I went in with both guns blazing. I yelled at
him. I threatened him.
He sat calmly through my tirade, and as I turned away, he said,
"But you're the one who believed me, Scully." It sounded like
Mulder. When I looked, there was Mulder sitting in Boggs' place.
I knew it couldn't be real. I hadn't slept in who knows how long,
I was emotionally very vulnerable after all that's happened over
the past couple of days. Luther Boggs could sense all of this,
I'm sure, and he did his best to undermine me.
I told him I didn't believe him, but my voice sounded unbelievably
weak even to my own ears. And then I did the stupidest thing of
all. I asked him -- practically begged him -- to let me speak to
Ahab.
For just a moment, I thought I was. But of course, it didn't
last.
He's like the Devil -- he tempts me with the one thing I want to
get the thing he wants most in the world. To stay out of what he
calls "that cold, dark place." He taunted me with it. I was weak.
I tried to be like Mulder was, the first time he interrogated Boggs,
but I couldn't. Boggs found my vulnerability and exploited it for
all it's worth.
I didn't promise, but I'll try to get a deal for him. I tell
myself it's so we can save James Summers, but I know that's not
the only reason.
I called the hospital and they told me I could see Mulder for a
few minutes. I'm not sure what I'll tell him.
XxXxXx
December 30
No deal, though I did my best to make Luther Boggs believe that
there was one.
He didn't believe me any more than I believed him. He went through
his usual channeling charade, and gave up Lucas Henry's location.
But Luther said as I left, "Don't follow him to the Devil. Leave
him to me." He may have saved my life, but maybe only so he could
enjoy the power he had over me for a while longer. Or maybe he
had one shred of decency left in him.
When I went back to tell him we'd caught Henry, and to acknowledge
that he probably saved my life, he promised me my father's message
if I'd come to be his witness at his execution tonight. If I'm
going, I'll have to leave pretty soon. They'll be in lockdown
soon, preparatory to the execution.
Mulder says he may be trying to claim me as his last victim. What
it boils down to is this: do I believe Luther Boggs or not? And
even if I do believe him, can I trust him to be telling me the
truth? Will he give me my father's message, if in fact he can?
Can I live with myself if I don't go and find out?
There's so much I don't understand. I've always had faith that
God would reveal His plan in good time -- that there were things
we were meant to know, and things we weren't. Maybe I should put
this into the latter category. If offered knowledge by the Devil,
shouldn't we turn it down?
Mulder said that Luther Boggs is the greatest of lies. But yet,
I found some truth in what he said, beyond what he would have
known through an accomplice. Or maybe I'm just too close to this
to see the truth -- that he found out some things about me, and
the rest is just smoke and mirrors.
Does Mulder ever feel this way? Does he ever doubt himself about
the things he's seen? He told me on our first case together that
he had the same fears I had -- but how does he figure out what's
the truth and what isn't?
Of course I have regrets about my father. There are things I wish
I could have said to him, and things I wish he could have said to
me. But if he couldn't say them in life, what makes me think he
could say them now? Does one's nature change after death, if the
soul remains sentient?
I've kept a lot from Mom and Ahab -- things I know they wouldn't
understand. I'd tell them if a case was resolved in our favor,
but didn't go into details. Neither of them pried. Ahab had plenty
of experience with classified information during his active duty
years, and by association, so did Mom. I've told them a little
about my partner -- his background with the FBI, his reputation
for brilliance -- at which my dad bristled and said, "No more
brilliant than my little girl, I bet."
That's a good memory. I'd forgotten he'd said that.
But I've kept mum about the darker side of Mulder's reputation --
his nickname, his interest in the paranormal. I fall back on the
original definition of the X-Files: they are unexplained, unsolved
cases, that we are trying to resolve.
I might have worked up the nerve one day to introduce Mulder to Mom
and Daddy.
I think Daddy would have liked him. They are not dissimilar. They
are both men of honor and purpose.
Maybe I should be asking not what Mulder would do in this situation,
but what my father would do.
I think I know the answer. I am, after all, his daughter.
XxXxXx
December 31
I didn't go to the execution. Instead, I went to see Mulder at
the hospital, and we kept watch together. I told him everything:
what Luther said, how I responded, what he wanted me to do to get
my father's message. I told him that I now believed that Luther
could have come by all the information he fed to me by normal means
-- if he knew I was Mulder's partner, he'd have found out what he
could. It wouldn't have been that difficult.
Mulder then did an about face and questioned why I couldn't believe
in the end. I had to admit that I was afraid.
"You couldn't face that fear? Not even to get your father's
message?"
"But I do know," I said.
"How?" Mulder asked. "How do you know?"
"He was my father," I said. I knew what that meant now.
Mulder nodded. I think he understood all along.
end.
=====
Author's notes: I don't think I realized how much I love this
episode until I watched it over and over again for this story.
There are so many wonderful scenes, and so much foreshadowing
(in retrospect) for episodes to come. Still, it wasn't an easy
one to write, for a lot of reasons. I hope that I've done it
justice.
I'm guessing at the date Scully has her folks over for dinner.
It could be any time from December 26 forward, since that's when
Ahab made the family take down the Christmas tree. December 26
was a Sunday in 1993, so it made sense to make it that day.
As to the attendees at Captain Scully's funeral...none of them
are consistent with what we learn of Bill or Melissa later, so
let's say they're cousins or something. Bill and Charlie are
probably at sea somewhere, and Melissa's nowhere to be found.
Maggie says it's "just family" there, but we could perhaps stretch
a point and consider them family by virtue of their friendship with
the Scullys.
I've never understood Mulder's abrupt and total about-face about
beliefs in this episode. You'd think he'd concede that Boggs has
at least a little ability, though maybe he's just trying to keep
Scully from going off the deep end. I'm with Scully, I thought
he'd be pleased that she was open to extreme possibilities. I've
tried to explain it the best way I can. I hate to think of him
being ... inconsistent in his beliefs <g>. Maybe this is also
why Scully was so resistant for so long to believe anything else
(such as what happens in "The Field Where I Died.").
This is in memory of my own father. I am very lucky to have had
him in my life for as long as I did, and I still hear him over my
shoulder sometimes (especially when I forget to change the oil in
my car!). I know he was proud of me; he told me so. I love him
and will always miss him.
Thanks for reading!