feedback: msnsc21[at]yahoo.com
May 30, 2004
Title: Requiem Quintet
Author: ML
Email: msnsc21@aol.com
Spoilers: Requiem, definitely; other noted at the beginning
of each story.
Rating: PG 13 overall
Classification: V, A
Summary: A series of stories post Mulder's abduction, from
different POVs.
Disclaimer: none of the characters described herein belong
to me, unhappily. They are the sole property of Chris
Carter, the Fox Network, and the actors who portrayed them
so well.
=====
Author's Notes: I watched
XF from the beginning, but came
late to the fanfic habit. I started reading it somewhere
around S6 and wrote my first *completed* story after the S7
finale aired. "Requiem" inspired a lot of people to write,
many for the first time. I was totally unfamiliar with the
whole "post-ep" phenomenon. My first story came out about
a month after the finale aired and was promptly lost in the
deluge of post-Requiem fics, perhaps deservedly.
Undaunted, I wrote three more -- it didn't take much
feedback to encourage me <g>!
Four years later, I'm
still at it. I've been lucky to
sometimes write a story that's been well-received, and I'm
grateful to all who have read and commented on any of my
stories. I'm also grateful to those archivists who have
given my stories homes, or taken the time to rec a story.
Circe Invidiosa has
very kindly provided a home for my
stories in the past year or so, and since I recently lost
the site that housed my earlier stories, she has offered to
give the older ones a home as well. Because of that, I've
re-engineered the first stories I wrote to comprise a short
series, and added one new story, exclusive to Circe's site.
The first three and the fifth story were written in the
summer of 2000, the fourth story here, "Family Secrets," is
brand new.
Thanks to all who have
and are reading my stories, and long
may you continue!
====
I: You Come and Go
Again
Author: ML
Email: msnsc21@aol.com
Spoilers: Requiem, definitely; also One Breath, Closure.
Nothing else overt.
Rating: PG 13
Summary: Scully is thinking about someone.
She has taken to bringing an extra pillow to bed with her,
something to hold onto in the night. It isn't the same, of
course--a very poor substitute for Mulder. But in the
short time they'd been together, she'd grown used to
putting her arms around him when she woke up in the night.
Even if he spooned up behind her, she had his arms to cling
to, warm and comforting.
She keeps one of his
tee shirts under her pillow so she can
keep his scent in her nostrils as long as possible. But
nothing can take the place of his warm breath on her neck,
the gentle sensation of his chest rising and falling
against her back as he slept. And nothing can take the
place of his mouth on hers, the feel of his lips
everywhere, the weight of his body.
These are the thoughts
and sensations she lives and re-
lives every night. She hugs the pillow fiercely to her and
thinks of their shared life growing within her.
She'd never asked him
about the time she was missing. How
did he get through it? Her mother told her he'd never
given up the idea that she would return. Even when she was
returned in a coma, he fought for her. She can do no less
for him.
x-x-x-x
Skinner takes the earliest
opportunity to talk to her
officially. She's summoned to his office the first morning
she's back at work.
"Agent Scully,
in light of recent events I think there are
some decisions to be made." As is his custom when speaking
in his office, AD Skinner is somewhat oblique and over-
formal. She supposes it comes from the awareness that any
conversation here could be monitored. Even with Cancer Man
dead--presumably, anyway--Krycheck and Covarrubias are
still active, and worse yet, are loose cannons. Who can
tell what agenda either of them will serve now?
In any case, she's
ready for this opening gambit. "With
all due respect, Sir, I don't yet want to make any changes.
While it's true that Agent Mulder is missing, he could
still return at any time."
"That may be,
but I think we need to consider the
possibility that it might be some time, if ever--"
"I can't afford
to think that way, Sir." She stiffens her
spine even more as she speaks. She cannot doubt. She
adds, almost as an afterthought, "I came back."
Skinner's eyes cloud
at the memory. She can't remember him
ever being so emotional. His demeanor at her bedside when
he had to tell her he had lost Mulder shook her to the
core.
"I want you to
think of the future, Agent Scully," he says
pointedly. "There will come a time when changes will need
to be made, whether or not Agent Mulder has
returned...yet."
She's glad he added
the "yet." She *will* make him
believe. "I want to go on as usual for now, Sir. I'll
think about the future and what needs to be done."
"If you think
you'd be more comfortable in another
assignment, I can arrange that," he offers. "In the
future. Perhaps in a field office, in an ASAC position?"
The implication is
that the position will be somewhere out
of DC. Away from prying eyes, once she begins to show ...
but also away from the X Files and any chance she has of
finding Mulder. She raises her chin. "I've got nothing to
hide." She says it slowly and distinctly. "Not now, and
not in the future."
"Agent Scully,
I need to remind you that I have to consider
not only what's best for you, but what's best for the
Bureau."
"Moving me to
Salt Lake City won't stop the rumors," she
points out. "It might even make them worse.
"Remember, Sir,
there have been rumors ever since I joined
the X Files. Even before. People will believe what they
want to believe. And what they say, or think, has nothing
to do with us. It can't touch us." She rises and leans
forward over his desk. "But if you can't support me and my
decision, it *does* affect us. It has always affected us."
x-x-x-x
Later, back in the
basement office, she finds herself
staring at Mulder's poster again. "Mulder, why did you
have to go?" she whispers. The strength she displayed in
Skinner's office is ebbing away again, leaving her feeling
exhausted and very vulnerable.
Perhaps he felt free
to go. Once he'd discovered what
happened to Samantha, he'd been more settled than he'd ever
been. She remembers what he said the night they discovered
what had happened to his sister. He'd felt free to take
those tentative steps toward her which eventually led to
the deepening of their relationship. But it also freed him
in other ways. It hadn't kept him from leaving her behind
to pursue his own ends. What was this but another repeat
in the pattern, the biggest ditch of all? Or did he think
by leaving, he set her free to lead a different life?
What if he had known
about the baby? Would that have
changed anything? It might have, though it seems more
likely that while he wouldn't have allowed her to take
risks, he would still feel free to risk himself.
She'd always found
a way to follow him in the past. But
this time, she has no idea where he is, or even where to
start looking. And if she finds out, will she follow him?
She has another life to protect now besides his and hers.
And *if* <oh, don't think it, don't think it> Mulder never
comes back, their baby will be all she has of him.
She tries to imagine
what it must have been like to pass
through the force field, to go to the other side. Was he
compelled in some way, or did he go by choice? She still
has no real memory of what happened during her abduction.
She only knows that she had no choice in the matter; there
was no moment of decision for her. She is sure, however,
that he went because he had to. Whether he was compelled
by other forces, or due to his own drive to know, he is
gone. And she knows just as certainly that he will find a
way back.
He has the strength of her beliefs.
End.
====
II: Seeing and Believing
Author: ML
Email: msnsc21@aol.com
Spoilers: Requiem, Sein und Zeit, Closure, One Breath
Rating: PG
Classification: V
Keywords: Skinner POV
Summary: Skinner's take on the events in Oregon and their
aftermath.
Seeing and Believing
by ML
What had he seen? He
told Agent Scully he could not deny
what he saw. And he wouldn't. But now, back in his
office, the whole episode in the Oregon forest seems
unreal.
He's seen and experienced
enough in his life and during his
association with Agent Mulder to acknowledge that there are
plenty of things in the world--and out of it--that are
beyond his comprehension. He's said as much to Mulder,
more than once. The first time was during Agent Scully's
disappearance, while trying to persuade Mulder not to
resign. Skinner had admitted then that he feared exploring
the phenomena Mulder pursued, and while he still retains a
good deal more skepticism than Mulder, he acknowledges that
some events are beyond rational explanation.
Mulder's disappearance
ranks right up there with the most
unbelievable of x-files. Skinner had spent the rest of
that night in the forest, searching for any clue to
Mulder's whereabouts. He'd contacted the Gunmen and they
could find nothing, no evidence of any aircraft,
unidentified or not, in the vicinity. Whatever it was had
disappeared as thoroughly as Mulder.
He hadn't wanted to
face Scully. The Gunmen told him what
had happened to her, where she was. Once he'd reported
Mulder's disappearance to them, he hoped they'd be the ones
to tell her. He suspects, however, that she already knew
without being told. The connection between his two most
challenging agents is unlike anything he's ever seen.
He knows that he's
only recently gained Scully's complete
trust. And rightfully so; despite his intentions to the
contrary, he's been used against both her and Mulder too
many times. It meant a lot to him that Scully asked him to
accompany Mulder back to Oregon. And now, once again, he's
failed her.
Scully's revelation
in the hospital makes his failure even
more complete. He's long known that his agents have deeper
feelings for each other than partners generally do, but
until recently he's been equally certain they'd never acted
on those feelings. Then earlier this year, after an
especially grueling case in California, something changed
between them.
The case had been particularly
hard on Mulder. Complicated
by his conviction that Samantha Mulder had some connection
to the case, and devastated by a new personal loss during
the investigation, Mulder had withdrawn further into
himself. Scully seemed his only link to reality. She
hovered over him in much the same way Mulder has always
hovered over her, watchful of his comfort, his needs.
In the end, Mulder
found a hard-won peace. Skinner granted
him an indefinite leave at the close of the case, and he
stayed in California. Scully came back to Washington,
submitted their field reports and all the other required
reams of paperwork, and then requested a leave of her own.
He hadn't questioned her at all; hadn't wanted to know
where she was going.
Both agents returned
within a day of each other and
everything seemed to be business as usual. Mulder still
hovered at Scully's shoulder, still touched her at every
opportunity, invaded her personal space as a matter of
course. Scully still ignored his innuendoes and took all
his other quirks in stride, as always. But there was an
ease between them which hadn't existed before. It was
nothing the casual observer would take notice of, but
Skinner could tell. Mulder no longer seemed to be
devouring Scully's every word and gesture; the expression
of inchoate longing was gone from his eyes, along with the
wounded look Skinner associated with Mulder's quest for his
sister.
Scully seemed much
as usual, but Skinner has always found
it harder to read her. While Mulder often wore his heart
on his sleeve, Scully keeps hers well hidden most of the
time. Her emotions in the hospital when she told him her
news had almost made *him* bawl, and scared him at the same
time.
His first impulse then
had been to offer sympathy and
comfort. But he knows Scully well enough to know she needs
something to put her back up against. She needs conflict,
obstacles to overcome. She needs her edge. She will not
thank him if he tries to ease her path.
He left word for her
to come see him as soon as she got in,
her first day back. Now she sits in front of him, calmly
waiting for him to speak first.
He clears his throat.
Why does she make him so nervous?
Mulder doesn't make him nervous. Infuriates him, yes, but
never nervous. Scully holds herself ramrod straight which
has the effect of making her seem taller than she is. He
only really notices how tiny she is when she stands next to
Mulder. Or when she's in a hospital bed.
He is brisk and businesslike
with her, every inch the AD.
He sees a fleeting doubt in her eyes. She seems to think
he is denying what happened in Oregon. He is not, he will
not, deny what he saw, just as he promised before. But she
has to see that things are more complicated. His concern
is how to move forward.
He presents a couple
of scenarios he's mulled over. Close
the X-files until Mulder's return and send Scully back to
Quantico is one. Or, transfer her to a field office
position. He dangles the possibility of an ASAC assignment
in front of her.
The only bait she takes
is when he mistakenly refers to
Mulder's return as a possibility rather than a certainty.
She's all over that, and though he's a little taken aback
by her vehemence, he's secretly glad she believes so
strongly in his return. His faith is not as strong as
hers; but as long as she believes he will find a way to
believe as well.
Of course he will support
her in any way he can, and his
own preference is that she stay in DC and on the X-files
where he can be close at hand. But he wants to be sure
that this is what she wants, too. If she prefers to go to
ground, keep a low profile, he'll support that, too.
He now has an uneasy
alliance with the Gunmen. The pact,
unspoken but no less deeply understood, is that they keep
Scully safe. She can't know this, of course. She might
not kick *his* ass, but she will definitely kick the
Gunmen's if she suspects.
Mulder didn't even
have to ask this of him. Skinner would
do it anyway, no question, even if he hadn't made the
promise to Mulder on the flight to Oregon. More than
likely Mulder had extracted a similar promise from the
Gunmen before leaving, also without necessity. The only
necessity here is performing this task without Scully's
knowledge.
Scully's reaction to
his alternative work suggestions is
swift and sure. She will fight every inch of the way.
He's glad of that, and he feels pleased that he has sparked
this reaction from her. He was right to think that
smoothing her way is not the best course of action.
Skinner has always
suspected that the main reason Scully
and Mulder have avoided intimacy all these years has mainly
to do with Scully and her reluctance to let her guard down.
Anyone else would have either taken Mulder up on his
innuendoes or slapped him with a harassment suit long ago.
But from the first she tolerated Mulder's many quirks while
never giving one inch to him. Mulder fought for her
respect and trust just as much as she fought for his.
They've weathered so many cataclysmic events over the
years. Certainly rifts occurred on occasion, but they've
always had each other's back. He saw what happened to
Mulder when Scully disappeared; he'll be damned if he'll
stand by and watch Scully go through the same torment
alone.
After Scully leaves
his office, Skinner once again tackles
his report. He can hear Chesty Short now, picking apart
any possible justification Skinner can muster. <The world
is being run by bean counters with no vision>, he thinks
sourly. <To hell with them>.
He finishes his report,
recounting events exactly as they
happened, without equivocation. <Damn the OPR, damn the
whole lot of them. They can do what they want with me,
with my report, with the horse I rode in on>, he thinks
grimly. <But I won't deny the truth anymore. It isn't
just one man's crusade>.
Report in hand, he heads to the Director's office.
end.
====
III: Absentee Father
Author: ML
Email: msnsc21@aol.com
Spoilers: Requiem, Redux II, Emily
Rating: PG-13 for salty language!
Classification: V
Keywords: Bill Scully POV
Summary: Bill Scully speaks his mind.
That son of a bitch got my sister pregnant and then he ran
off.
Just what I would have expected from him.
I know Dana wasn't
going to tell me. I'm not sure Mom
would have either, but she let something slip when she last
talked to Tara.
"Did you know
Dana's pregnant?" Tara asked over dinner that
night as she recounted her conversation with Mom.
The mouthful of potatoes
I was chewing suddenly tasted like
sawdust. I choked them down and said as calmly as I could,
"WHAT did you say?"
Tara realized right
away that this wasn't the best way to
break the news to me.
It's my worst nightmare.
As much as Dana always tries to
hide it, I know he has her fooled. She claimed they were
only partners that Christmas two years ago--when Dana found
that little girl. Maybe that was true, then. But he is
obviously a very persuasive guy. I didn't want Dana
working with him, let alone having any kind of a personal
relationship with him. As the man of the family, I saw it
as my duty to warn her.
I warned him, too.
I should have kicked his ass when I
first met him. But Dana was sick; we thought she was
dying. I didn't want to upset her any more than she
already was. I just wanted him gone. But he's a
persistent bastard. He stuck around. He made himself
scarce whenever I came into Dana's room, which was just the
way I liked it. But I could see Dana's eyes following him
as he went out the door. He just hovered around in the
hallway until I left.
Obviously, he was still
in the picture after Dana
recovered. I'd hoped that her illness would make her take
stock, maybe decide to get out of the FBI, be a real
doctor, maybe meet a normal guy and have a normal family.
Of course, I didn't know then that she couldn't have kids.
He came out to San
Diego that Christmas. Dana asked him to
come out when she found that little girl. At least she
warned me he was coming. And he did his best to keep his
distance from me, even though he slept on our couch. I was
civil--said as little as possible to him, in the interest
of keeping the peace.
And even though Dana
admitted there was nothing between
them--after telling me to mind my own business, that is--
anyone could tell by looking at him that *he* wouldn't be
satisfied until he owned her, body and soul. The whole
time he was there I had this awful feeling in my gut that
he was going to ask her to marry him so they could adopt
Emily. But Dana seemed to become more distant from him the
sicker Emily got and I began to breathe easy.
The irony of Matthew's
birth happening at the same time
wasn't lost on me. I've never been good at showing my
emotions--who would want or expect that of a guy, anyway?
But becoming a father gave me some idea of the pain Dana
must have felt. Getting pregnant hadn't been easy for
Tara, and if we had lost Matthew and knew we could never
have another--well, I just don't know what I would have
done. I felt terrible for Dana when Emily died. But at
the same time her death seemed like a disaster averted. It
drove a wedge between Mulder and my sister, and I couldn't
be sorry about that.
Dana was fairly calm
throughout the whole business with
Emily. She has always had the ability to withdraw deep
within herself. I know to keep my distance when she's like
that. Mulder didn't seem to notice or care, though. He
was always hovering, right there at her shoulder. And she
never told him to get lost, like she would her own brother.
My sister is no dummy.
I don't understand how she could be
so taken in by this guy. Mom even likes him. She won't
hear a word against him, though now I bet that's changed.
My first impulse when
Tara told me the news is to get Dana
on the phone and demand to know the truth. Then ream her
out for allowing it to happen. But I know she'll probably
just tell me to go to hell, so I do what any big brother
would do. I call Mom.
Mom isn't very sympathetic to my point of view. "Bill,
it's really none of your business."
"But he should
never--she should never have--" I splutter.
I can't seem to say the words, "have sex" to my mom. I say
lamely instead, "He knows the risks of his profession."
"And so does Dana."
Mom says simply. "Bill, what happened
between Fox and Dana was a mutual decision between two
adults. I won't deny I would rather they'd gotten married
before taking that step, but it's their business."
"But I thought Dana couldn't have kids!"
"Maybe it's a
miracle," my mother says softly. "Dana says
she can't explain it herself. But she's happy about it."
"Well, she's nuts,"
I say. "Why would she want to raise a
kid on her own?"
"I don't think
that's her plan," Mom says. "Dana has faith
that Fox is going to return."
"But what if he doesn't come back?" I continue.
"Dana will deal
with that if it happens. But right now
she's not even considering that possibility. She's
absolutely certain he'll come back. She says she'd know if
he wasn't."
"God, she's buying
into his mumbo-jumbo now!" I exclaim in
frustration. "What'd he do, hypnotize her?"
"It's called faith,
Bill. You haven't forgotten, have
you?"
Mom can still put me
in my place. But I don't stay there
long.
"I still say he's
run off because he knows I'll kick his
ass," I mumble.
"Bill." Mom's
voice has that tone. I remember that tone
from childhood. It's the warning: proceed at your own
risk. I pause in my tirade and wait for her to continue.
"Fox doesn't know
about the baby," she says. "Dana wasn't
sure before he left and so she didn't say anything. And
then of course, she *couldn't* tell him."
I have no response to this. After a second, Mom continues.
"Bill, you haven't
been around enough to see what a good
man Fox Mulder is. When Dana was missing a few years ago,
and then when she came back, he never gave up, he never
lost hope."
"Yeah, and then
he got Melissa killed," I say. I realize
my mistake as soon as the words leave my mouth.
"I don't blame
Fox for Missy's death, and neither does
Dana." My mom is getting exasperated with me. She doesn't
often raise her voice, but I can hear it coming. "And if I
were you, I wouldn't bring up any of this conversation with
Dana when you talk to her. In fact, it would be better if
you didn't talk to her at all until you can get control of
yourself."
Silence down the phone lines as we both calm ourselves.
"What if he doesn't
get back before the baby is born?" I
finally ask. "What then?"
"Dana will be
able to handle t. I'll be here to help her,
and I hope the rest of the family will, too," she says
pointedly. "Do I have to remind you that your father was
away at sea when you were born?"
No, she doesn't. It's
a family legend. "That's
different," I say, and I sound whiny even to me.
"How is it different?
Fox has a job to do, same as your
father did. Sometimes that means having to be away when
he'd rather not be."
"But Dad had no
choice," I say. I don't like her
comparing Mulder to my father, even indirectly. It's true
that Dad was away a lot. But he was still a great dad when
he was home. Of course I would've liked it better if he'd
been able to come home every night, have a game of catch
with me, go fishing on the weekends. Still, when he was
home, he was *home.* And I have great memories of the
times we had together as a family. When he had to go, Dad
always left me in charge. It's a responsibility I take
seriously even now.
"What makes you
think Fox has a choice?" Mom continues,
breaking into my thoughts. "Look, I don't pretend to know
everything about the work Fox and Dana do. But Dana says
it's important, and not just to them. And even if I didn't
trust Fox, I'd trust Dana's word."
"Don't tell me
that their `work' is a matter of national
importance, or the future of the world," I still can't
believe she's defending him.
"Dana thinks it
could be," Mom says quietly, and something
in her tone chills me.
"Little green
men?" I'm so outraged my voice goes up an
octave.
"Dana says it's
a lot more than that. And I believe her.
Why else would so many things have happened to them both
unless they're on to something important? Don't be so
quick to dismiss something because you don't understand
it."
I change tactics a
little. "Mom, don't you think I have a
right as Dana's brother, as head of the family, to be
concerned about this?"
"That's a very
old-fashioned thing to say, Bill. Are you
considering a shotgun wedding?"
I hear a tinge of amusement
in Mom's voice, but I go on.
"Mom, I'm just trying to do what I think Dad might have
done."
"Your father would
never have treated Fox the way you have.
He may not have liked the path Dana chose but he respected
her right to follow it."
Another statement I
have no answer to. Finally, I mutter,
"He's not good enough for her. He doesn't deserve her."
"Dana says Fox
has said the same thing to her," Mom says
surprisingly. "Dana has tried to convince him otherwise."
"Why do you like him so much?" I ask her.
"Bill, I've been
trying to explain it to you. He's a good
man. He cares very much for Dana, and Dana feels the same
way about him. I think your father would have liked him,
too."
There seems no point
in arguing any more. Mom seems as
hoodwinked as Dana by this guy, so I concede the point, but
not the game. We talk for a few more minutes about nothing
much and then I say goodbye.
Sometimes I wish I
was still at sea. It's much simpler out
there. There are rules and routine, there is protocol.
Life on dry land is a lot more complicated. But I
requested shore duty when I found out Tara was pregnant. I
was there throughout most of Tara's pregnancy, and I was
there when Matthew was born. I don't want to be away for
months at a time the way Dad was. I want my son to know
who I am.
I still think Mulder's
a sorry son of a bitch for doing
what he's done. But I'll keep my opinion to myself around
Dana and Mom. Part of me almost wishes that he won't come
back but I can't do that to Dana. Besides, a kid needs his
dad, and even a dad like Mulder is better than nothing, I
guess. And if he doesn't do right by Dana and the baby, I
*will* kick his ass.
I wish Dad was still
here. Despite what Mom says, I think
he would understand what I'm talking about. But I'll just
have to do the best I can with this situation on my own.
end.
Thanks for reading!
Dedication: to my own
dad, whose name was Bill, and who
served in the Navy, and there any resemblance to the Scully
men ends. He was always there, and I will always miss him.
====
IV: Family Secrets
Author: ML
Email: msnsc21@aol.com
Spoilers: Requiem, anything prior is fair game
Rating: PG
Classification: V,A
Keywords: Margaret Scully POV
Summary: No news is not necessarily good news.
My two girls couldn't be more different. Dana has always
been the practical one, while Melissa always had her head
in the clouds. Because of this, you'd have thought that
Dana would be the most forthright and outgoing, and Missy
lost in her own world. That was the family view when they
were growing up.
I think her father
and I saw what we wanted to see in Dana.
The other three were such a handful that it was a blessing
to have one child that I didn't have to worry about.
Melissa appeared much simpler on the surface, but she had
very strong convictions and wasn't afraid to stand up for
them. Bill and Charlie were typical big brother and little
brother, teasing their sisters and getting into normal boy
scrapes. Bill probably grew up a little too soon, with his
father away at sea so much. He had a tendency to try and
bully the others sometimes, though none of his siblings let
him get away with it for long. Charlie worshiped his older
brother and would do anything he said. Melissa was openly
defiant, and she either didn't see or didn't care that Dana
actually got her way more often. For Melissa, I think, the
battle was half the fun. Dana learned to fly under the
radar early on. She seemed quiet, and studious, and
docile, no trouble at all.
That's not to say that
Dana isn't a fighter. She just goes
about her battles differently. She makes her plans and
follows through with them, often announcing only after the
fact what she's done. That was how she joined the FBI.
Neither her father nor I had an inkling. I think she found
it easier to ask forgiveness than permission.
I really had no idea
until recently just how secretive Dana
could be. "Still waters," her father would have said. But
a mother should know her children. Now I really wonder if
I ever really knew my baby girl at all. Her admission to
the FBI opened a floodgate. She left the comparative
safety of teaching at the Academy to become a field agent,
which especially upset her father. And that's when the
real secrets began.
She's never said very
much about her work with Fox Mulder.
At first, she said some general things about his "out
there" theories, but never talked about him or his family,
what he looked like, anything at all. When I finally met
him, it was under the worst circumstances. Dana's
disappearance showed me the kind of man he was, and how
concerned he was for the welfare of his partner. He
certainly didn't seem as "out there" as Melissa sometimes
did to me. It was a surprise to me that he was her witness
for her medical directive, but I later learned that in law
enforcement, partners are often closer than family. I
could certainly see how much Fox cared for Dana. Even
after Dana came back, I couldn't tell how she felt about
him. I knew more about how Fox was affected by her
disappearance than I did about her.
The next time I was
called to the hospital, it was for
Melissa. Somehow she'd gotten involved in one of Dana's
cases -- I've never been sure how. I had to sit and watch
Melissa leave me, not knowing if Dana was alive or dead, or
if I'd ever see her again. When she did come back, she
would not or could not talk about it. With Melissa's
death, I felt a barrier between me and Dana begin to rise.
The next blow was Dana's
cancer. She couldn't even tell me
about it herself -- she gave her partner that dubious
honor. After that, I tried to bring her closer, to let her
know that the family cared about her, but perhaps by then
it was too late. Only when it appeared that she truly
might not recover did she briefly become my little girl
again.
Even so, the only times
she's turned to me since being
partnered with Fox is when he hasn't been available. Once,
she came to me when she thought for some incredible reason
that Fox was tring to kill her; other times he when he was
missing or presumed dead. I confess Dana and I had become
a little estranged after her father died. I could say that
Dana shut herself off from me, but I wonder now if she ever
really confided in me. She was there when I needed her,
but I tried not to need her too much. Maybe she does take
after me a little.
With my other daughter
gone and my sons scattered to the
four winds most of the time, I've stayed close, thinking
that Dana might still need me. But she seems to have
become an island or a fortress, self-sufficient and
unwelcoming to visitors.
Then this evening when
I got home, there was a message
waiting for me. I knew before I heard the words: Fox is
missing again. There's more than that, I know, but she
won't tell me until she has to.
I pray that Fox comes
back, as he always has in the past.
I pray that Dana's other news isn't as dire as it sounds in
her voice. She's still my baby girl, no matter what
happens.
I don't resent Fox
for anything that's happened, even
though some of my family does. Nor do I pretend to
understand the bond she and Fox share. I've read a lot
about partners in law enforcement over the years, and I
know that the bond can be stronger than a marriage, and
have many of the same aspects of a marriage.
I do believe that the
bond they share is more than work.
I've been pretty certain of Fox's feelings for a while.
Dana's feelings I'm less sure of. I know that no one can
make Dana do anything she doesn't want to do, and that she
weighs all the options before she makes a decision. What
she does seldom makes sense to me, but since I'm not a part
of the decision making process I have to try and reconcile
myself when they're presented as an accomplished fact.
It's part of letting your children grow and be on their
own, as painful as that can be.
William and I brought
our children up to be strong and
self-sufficient. It would be foolish of me to expect that
Dana would be anything other than that. I'm proud of her,
I really am. But I wish she understood that she doesn't
have to be alone in this.
end.
====
V: The Will to Fight
Author: ML
Email: msnsc21@aol.com
Spoilers: Requiem, anything prior is fair game
Rating: PG
Classification: V,A
Summary: Mulder is lost in space
Light and darkness.
Light and darkness.
The periods of light
and darkness have no pattern, no
formula he can discern.
Sometimes the light
brings pain. Sometimes the darkness
brings pain. The only difference is the kind of pain each
brings. Time is defined by pain/no pain, not light and
dark.
He doesn't know who
he is or where he is. He only knows
<now>. There is no <then>. <Then> is a word which
sometimes floats in his consciousness but he's not sure
why.
<what is *then*>
He is grateful for
oblivion when it comes. <sleep>, his
mind supplies. But it is not like sleep. He tries to
remember. Even the word <remember> seems unfamiliar. It
used to have meaning. But he is in <now>.
He fights for awareness
even though he isn't sure what
<awareness> is. He sometimes has a vague sense of <others>
near him, but deep within him he knows that there is only
one other who has meaning to him, and that <one> is not
present.
He fights to understand
who he is, and who or what <one>
is, the one who is not there. He feels this absence to be
good, that <one> is better elsewhere, as uncertain as he is
that there is any reality other than where he now exists.
If the <one>
was near, maybe he could fight. He knows he
should fight. But against what? There is nothing to push
against with either body or mind. As soon as the fight
impulse materializes, either pain or oblivion follows. But
<resist or serve> sometimes flutters through his
consciousness. So, regardless of punishment, he obeys the
impulse to resist whenever he can.
He does not dream when
oblivion comes but sometimes he has
waking dreams. He has flashes of <otherness>. The <one>
sometimes has a form in his mind he can comprehend. Words
also form in his mind and because of the image he holds
there too, these words are among the few which still have
meaning.
Loyal.
Forthright.
Touchstone.
*His* touchstone.
He can imagine a face
now. He knows it is the <one>, and
that he should know her, know who she is. If he can figure
that out, he will know who *he* is.
<A brief sensation
of soft lips against his own, tears
against his cheek. A small gold object shimmering,
dangling. Arms around his neck, fumbling there, then a
soft touch against his chest...and the vision is gone>
x-x-x-x
Next consciousness,
beginning and continuing in pain--all
through his muscles, every inch of skin, his teeth and
nails. Now one tiny corner of his brain retains her image.
With fierce determination, he wills himself to see and feel
only her. The memory he found before returns to him and he
begins to color it in, give it more detail. He can almost
hear her, feel the emotions, feel her touch. Almost, the
sensations blot out the pain.
Now no matter what
is done to him, he can find that tiny
corner. It is populated with images of her. He hoards the
pieces he has of her; protects them in the recesses of his
brain. <they> get into his head sometimes, he thinks. He
isn't sure he can keep them out of his safe haven. He only
goes there when the pain becomes unbearable, when it seems
it will never stop. He senses--he hopes--that <they> stay
out of his head while they test his body.
Awareness of any <others>
comes and goes. He senses them,
sometimes hears their voices in his head, but cannot see or
touch anyone. He wonders if the <others> can sense his
presence too, hear his thoughts. His ability now is only
an echo of something he remembers from <before>, when it
seemed he could hear everyone in the world, all the time.
There is one voice
he wishes he could hear, and not just in
his head. He knows now that he had another life, and it
revolved around her, as surely as the earth revolves
<revolved?> around the sun.
x-x-x-x
He begins to remember
more. The periods of oblivion seem
to lessen; there are longer periods of no pain when he is
conscious. He is not sure if this is cause or effect, and
it is still not <consciousness> as he once knew it; he
still cannot see or feel his surroundings. So he lives in
his head as much as possible.
He has a life with
her there. Whether these are all
memories of a life already lived or some are dreams of a
life yet to be he cannot tell. They are no more than brief
pictures. He does not allow himself to dwell on any one
moment, or allow such moments to enlarge.
<her arms around
him, her body trembling in shock and
relief. His own shock and relief mirrors hers>
<the feel of her hand ruffling his hair>
<turning away to hide a smile from him>
<her warm hand clasping
his cold one--many times, many
places>
<her eyes, bluer
than the sky, now darkened with tears, now
brightened by laughter>
<her lips, impossibly
soft, touching his cheek, his
forehead, his own lips at last at last at last...>
<***the sound of
her voice saying his name, in so many
different tones, so many different ways***>
He hears her voice
say "Mulder it's me." His name.
Suddenly a storm of remembrance hits him from all sides,
memories so clear that they feel solid, *he* feels solid,
for the first time in...no telling how long.
His surroundings begin
to take on form and shape. He feels
his skin as more than a receptacle for pain. He knows
*she* is real, too. He feels the talisman she gave him
that last night. The life he had with her is still beyond
his reach but at last he has found something to fight. Not
against, but for.
He will find his way back to her. He has to.
end.
====
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Thanks for reading!