Title: Eat Your Vegetables
Author: ML
July 25, 2004 (written)
November 21, 2004 (posted)
Archive: you’re kidding, right? Well, you can certainly ask
Rating: Silly. And NC-17 for dirty talk in public places.
Disclaimers: 1) not mine. 2) I’ve never had a conversation like this in a grocery store.
For the Haven, “I Need…” challenge. Sorry it’s late! Thanks to Carol for making the perfect suggestion at just the right time. If you like it, thank her. If you don’t, blame me!
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“Scully, are all these vegetables really necessary?”
There was a reason why they didn’t go grocery shopping together, and here was a perfect example.
“To make a salad, you need vegetables,” she explained. “Lots and lots of vegetables.”
“You don’t need them for fruit salad,” Mulder pointed out. “Or chicken salad. Or tuna salad.”
“Don’t you put vegetables in tuna salad? Chopped celery? Onions?”
“Nope. I just order it. Whatever’s in it, I eat it.”
“Well, you can do the same for the salad. You don’t have to prepare it, just eat it.”
“I’d rather have barbecued ribs. Wouldn’t you rather have barbecued ribs?”
“You said it was my turn to fix dinner, and this is what I’m choosing to fix.” She held a tomato in either hand, weighing their relative merits, he guessed. They looked the same to him. “Do these look ripe to you?” she asked, making another attempt to engage him.
“I’m red-green colorblind, remember, Scully?” he said. “Besides, there’s only one tomato I’m interested in.” He wiggled his eyebrows at her.
Scully really did roll her eyes at that. “You’ve been watching too many gangster movies. Why don’t you go to the seafood counter and get some shrimp for the salad?”
Mulder ignored her. He moved from display to display, inspecting the tumbled piles of cucumbers, zucchinis, carrots, and eggplants. He asked Scully in a low tone, “Have you ever noticed how…phallic…vegetables are?”
“Are you basing your argument against vegetables on that observation?”
“Maybe I was scared by a cucumber at a young age.”
“Is this like your insect epiphany, Mulder?”
“Could be. You don’t notice me eating bugs, do you?”
“It’s a specious argument, at best. And that’s being generous.”
“There you go, throwing those big words around.”
“I’ll give you another: fallacious. As in, you’ll say anything to get out of eating your vegetables, truth or not.”
Mulder shrugged and gave her a winning smile. “To-ma-to, to-mah-to. Specious and fallacious mean the same thing. Are you sure you didn’t you mean ‘fellacious,’ Scully?”
Scully raised her eyebrow. “That’s not a word, Mulder.”
“Sure it is.” He leaned down to whisper in her ear. “Short for ‘delicious fellatio.'”
“I’m never taking you to the grocery store again.” Scully turned away, but he could see she was smiling, just a little.
“Doesn’t that sound better than vegetables?”
“For you, maybe,” she said. “What’s in it for me?”
“Well, you need a balanced diet,” Mulder suggested with a leer.
Scully threw up her hands. “I think we’re done here. Instead, you can take me out to eat.”
“Can we go try that new rib place?” Mulder asked eagerly.
Scully shook her head. “Still my choice. There’s another new restaurant not too far from here that I’ve been wanting to try.”
“Okay,” Mulder said, then with more caution, “What kind of food do they serve there?”
“All kinds, Mulder. As long as it’s vegetarian.”
Mulder groaned.
“Cheer up, Mulder. If you’re a good boy, and you eat all your vegetables, you can choose dessert.”
“Oooh Scully, I already know what I want. With whipped cream on top,” Mulder said, pressing his hand a little lower than the small of her back as they exited the store.
end.